John Tesh

Why are some goals so hard to keep?  Like our goals to exercise more, lose weight or quit smoking. And why do we keep setting the same goals – again and again – even after we fail?

According to psychologist Dr. Janet Polivy, it may boil down to the fact that we’re too optimistic! In fact, several new studies show that the human brain is “hard-wired” to be optimistic – because optimism is what drives us to challenge ourselves, compete, and believe that we can achieve new things. And while that sounds like a good thing, Dr. Polivy says there are times when our optimism can get the best of us, and sabotage our chances of success.

She says it’s because when we’re too optimistic, we tend to set unrealistically high expectations for ourselves. And over time, if we keep failing to meet our lofty goals, it kills our motivation, and makes us less likely to succeed.

Consider a study Dr. Polivy did with a group of chronic dieters. She put everyone on a moderate diet that helped them lose a pound a week, on average. But then, as soon as the study ended, none of the participants stuck with the diet. Why?  Because everyone had unrealistic expectations that they’d lose much more than “just a pound” a week.  So, they figured the diet wasn’t working – and they gave up!

She says this helps explain why 90 million of us set resolutions each year to lose weight – or to quit smoking – but only 1-in-10 of us succeed.  Dr. Polivy says the key to reaching our goals is to be realistic because many studies show that people who make realistic changes in their life generally do succeed.

Sometimes being optimistic can backfire because it can drive us to set wildly unrealistic goals. Like, instead of just vowing to lose weight, we may tell ourselves we can lose 20 pounds in a month! Then, when we fall short of our goals, we give up, and go back to our bad habits.

So, how can we set more realistic goals? Here are some tricks recommended by NYU psychologist, Dr. Peter Gollwitzer:

First: Don’t be afraid to fail. Because each time we fail to reach a goal, it’s a chance to learn from our mistakes, and come up with a better plan to try. And the more we try, the more likely we are to succeed.

Next: Avoid goals with the word “don’t” in them. Like telling yourself “don’t eat junk food anymore.” Dr. Gollwitzer says people are much more likely to stick with goals if they involve DOING something – like saying, “I will eat more fruits and vegetables”.

Another way to set realistic goals: Have an “if/then plan”.  That’s a specific plan to replace a bad habit. So, if your bad habit is downing a pint of Haagen-Dasz when you have a bad day, Dr. Gollwitzer recommends this “if/then” plan:

“If I have a bad day, then I’m going to call my best friend or spend an hour walking my dog.” He says the easier your “if/then plan” is, the more likely you’ll be to stick with it.

The takeaway is this: When you set smaller, realistic goals, studies show your odds of achieving them will skyrocket!

You may not have known it, but January is the month that most people file for divorce. In fact, lawyers have actually picked a specific date for D-Day — as in, divorce day: The first Monday after the kids return to school. So, why January? The logic is that no one wants to ruin a child’s Christmas. If you divorce over the holidays, then they’ll be always associated with a traumatic event. In addition, there are other factors contributing to January being D-Day time:

• Lawyers and counselors take vacations over the holidays, courts are closed, and couples can’t file for divorce, but they’re back in January.
• One more pair of socks for Christmas was the last straw. The lack of effort in gift giving becomes an example of no effort in the marriage altogether.
• Also, in the winter, forced togetherness indoors can drive couples nuts.
• Another reason? One person makes a resolution not to have another holiday with their spouse.
• Facing the New Year with someone you no longer love is a depressing reality.  
• Also, the Monday after Martin Luther King Jr. weekend is a big day for splits. By that time, children have gotten back into the rhythm of school and life. They have their friends around them, so parents feel that a family breakup is less jarring.

It sounds bleak, but it doesn’t have to be. On the positive side, appointments for marriage counselors also go up in January, meaning that some couples decide to work on their relationship, and not give up just yet. Studies show that couples who do stay together during rough patches are happier five years down the line than couples who divorce.

So, if you’re feeling stressed about your marriage this month, know that you’re not alone. If you still have hope that you can work through your doubts, talk to a professional.

If your house is overrun with clutter – here’s advice from organizing expert Dana K. White. She says we need to change our mindset about our “stuff.” She calls it “The Container Theory.”

She says, the solution for clutter is not to get a new shelving unit, rent a storage unit, or even buy a bigger house. The solution is to let your house be your container. Essentially – you can’t fit more into it than the space allows. Meaning…

The size of your closet determines how many clothes you can have.

The size of your bedroom determines how many dressers you can have.

And your house determines what a bedroom is – and no other room should change itself to hold the overflow. So the office should not become a make-shift closet space.

It’s like only being able to spend the cash you have in your wallet. Once the cash runs out – you can’t spend anymore.

Well, once your closet space runs out, you can’t bring any more stuff into the house without getting rid of something else currently taking up space.

And that’s “the container theory.”

There are certain resolutions you should never make because they’re practically impossible to keep. Let us help point you in the right direction this year with a list of the top resolutions you shouldn’t make, starting with: 

• Conquering your fear of heights… by skydiving. Why shouldn’t you do it? Because going to extremes for your emotional health is more foolish than fearless. Psychotherapist Dr. Patricia Farrell says you should have a healthy respect for heights, speed and other dangerous things. So, don’t bungee jump or skydive to conquer your fear – only do it if it’s a longtime dream – not if it’s about proving something to yourself or others. If fear is something that’s really holding you back in life, seek counseling.

• Do hard-core exercise every day. The boot-camp approach may get you buff in a hurry, but it can also overtax muscles. And personal trainer to the stars, Liz Neporent, says that makes you more susceptible to injury. Instead, vow to do something every day. A goal you’ll actually stick with makes more sense than going for broke and burning out.

• To fit into your favorite pair of jeans from high-school. Even if you weigh what you did at age 17, your body could be a lot different. According to Fitness magazine, our bodies go through a variety of changes over the years. Muscle is replaced by fat – or vice versa. Curves become more defined, especially after having kids. So, drop your old jeans off at Goodwill and splurge on a new pair. Instead, your resolution should be to stay within 10 pounds of the weight you were senior year, as long as that was a healthy weight. There’s no reason why you have to weigh more as you age, according to Dr. Walter Willet from the Harvard School of Public Health. He says, next to not smoking, that’s the most important thing you can do to stay healthy and live a long life.

Some New Year’s resolutions seem like a good idea, but set you up to fail. What New Year’s resolutions were a total bomb for you? Which ideas did you think would be great but ended up fizzling out?

It’s a new year and everybody’s looking for love. Online dating peaks in January. And these days, 20% of couples meet online. The problem is, if a guy doesn’t find someone he’s interested in after 3 months – 97% of the time, he’ll give up! So, here are tips for online daters – men AND women:

• Let’s start with your picture. The vast majority of people look at profile pictures to decide whether or not they want to read your message. To figure out which picture to use on your profile, try OK Cupid’s “My Best Face” application. You upload a few photos and members vote on your pictures, so you know which ones people are drawn to – because you’re only as good as your worst photo. According to their algorithms, the strongest photos of men are ones in which they’re doing something interesting and not looking directly at the camera or smiling. For women, guys like pictures of girls smiling and looking directly at the camera. But it also helps if the background is interesting, like you at basketball game.

• Here’s a tip for guys: When it comes to your profile bio, forget loading it with lists of likes and dislikes. Women respond more to stories, mental images and emotions. So, instead of saying, “I play guitar.” Say, “I remember seeing Jimmy Page on TV when I was 10 and after that, I begged my parents for a guitar. I’ve been playing ever since.”

• Hint at what you might like to do on a date. The president of SpeedDate.com suggests saying, “My favorite thing to do on a Sunday morning is to go for a hike up Summit’s Peak with my dog Casper,” instead of saying, “I like hiking,” and “I like dogs.” It’s an instant icebreaker.

• Be genuine in your profile. That comes from psychiatrist and relationship expert Dr. Eva Ritvo. She says you shouldn’t kid yourself into thinking you can get away with pretending to be something you’re not. Why? Because your prospective date will Google you. But the fact is that people do stretch the truth. A study from MIT found that the average female online dater says she weighs less than the average woman of the same age. And the older a woman gets, the more pounds she shaves off. It’s six pounds for a woman in her 20s, 18 pounds for a woman in her 30s, and 20 pounds for women in their 40s. So, how can you tell if someone is fudging the truth about their weight? Take a look at their picture. Women who post photos taken from an odd angle, or who only focuses on one body part, tend to be the ones lying.

• Don’t give up; just get different people to notice your profile. A lot of people give up after three months if they haven’t found someone they’re interested in. Laurie Davis is an online dating coach, and the founder of eFlirt Expert. She says you can change the system by uploading new pictures and changing the details in your bio. Do that and your profile will climb back to the front page of search results. It’s like shooting to the top of a Google search – and more people will see your profile.

• Guys, if you send a message to a woman, don’t use the words “sexy” or “beautiful.” It’ll cut your responses by 10%. If you use texting shorthand, like the letters U-R instead of spelling out “you’re,” your response rate will drop by 25%.

• Don’t troll for dates late at night – it’s the online dating equivalent of drunk texting someone from a bar.

And know this: Michigan State University found that the best predictor of how many messages people receive isn’t how they look – it’s how many messages they send.

Not so. According to researchers from the University of Scranton in Pennsylvania, people are 10 times MORE likely to change a behavior if they make a resolution than if they don’t. According to Dr, Sanjay Gupta, CNN’s senior medical correspondent, you should think of them more as “all year” resolutions because it shows that you’re making a commitment to long-term change. Here are three ways to start the New Year off healthy:

• Exercise regularly. People who work out live up to seven years longer than those who don’t. Also, exercise can reduce depression and boost self-esteem. Just 10 minutes of activity three times a day can do the trick.
• Protect your skin. One in five Americans will be diagnosed with skin cancer, and this time of year, the sun’s rays can reflect off ice and snow. So make sure you have a year-round supply of sunscreen.
• Skip the drive-thru. A study from the Canadian Journal of Public Health found that communities with more fast-food outlets have higher rates of heart disease and death. So, instead of relying on take-out, fill your plate with fruits and veggies. A rule of thumb: The more colors your eat, the healthier you’ll be.

Let’s call it January’s Law – the bigger your list of resolutions, the less likely you are to accomplish ANY of them. But there’s nothing better than crossing something off your life’s to-do list, whether it’s finishing a book you wanted to read, or finishing that novel you’ve always wanted to WRITE. And here’s the good news – if you can’t get it done in January, there are 11 more months in the year! But, to keep you rolling, here are some easy tasks you can do in just 15 minutes that’ll help make your life easier.

• Empty your email inbox. Either delete old messages or file them. If your inbox is just too overwhelming to tackle, then focus on one week or even one DAY’s worth of emails.
• Take digital photos of all the valuable items in one room of your house. For insurance purposes. Keep the photos in a folder with the original receipts or estimated values, and serial numbers and warranties.
• Create a list of parties you think would be fun to throw this year. Then later, pick one and make it happen. Come up with a fun theme – such as a summer carnival, complete with a hamburger cook-off, or a softball championship competition.
• Program 5 essential numbers into your cell phone – like your doctor and your favorite take-out restaurant. This way you’ll avoid searching in address books, phone books or through random business cards for the same numbers again and again.
• Memorize a short poem. You’ll always feel a bit more cultured if you can recite a fabulous poem on cue. Head over to The Academy of American Poets page at Poets.org. You can hear great poets – like Robert Frost – read their own work.

Before you dig into that Thanksgiving spread this year, take time to think about what’s in front of you. Here’s an eating guide:

First: The bird. If you’re preparing the turkey, don’t buy the “self-basting” kind, which is injected with a solution that’s supposed to help “improve” the flavor and juiciness of the meat. Those turkeys have nearly twice the fat and salt as the old-fashioned kind. And skip the skin altogether – that’s where almost all the fat is.

Next: Cranberry sauce. As long as it doesn’t come in a can, go ahead and load up! Cranberries are high in vitamin C and tannins, the heart-healthy compounds also found in red wine. Just make sure the sauce isn’t loaded with sugar, like the canned kind.

What about stuffing? To make it really healthy, use whole-wheat bread or high-fiber grains like wild rice. And cook it outside the bird, where it won’t get soaked in fatty drippings. If someone else has made the stuffing and they didn’t follow those guidelines – skip it.

And watch out for gravy, which is basically salty, flavored fat.

Finally: Sweet potatoes. One potato has nearly zero fat and only 120 calories – not bad at all. Sweet potatoes also contain an anti-oxidant that fights cancer, and reduces the risk of asthma and rheumatoid arthritis. Just don’t top yours with a million mini-marshmallows!

There’s no doubt that living with two happy parents is the best thing for children, but with the divorce rate over 50%, that’s not always a reality. However – the operative word to keep in mind here is happy. Lisa Strohschein, a professor in the sociology department of the University of Alberta, says that living with unhappy parents is actually harder on kids than divorce! Here are the details, courtesy of Web MD:

• Strohschein followed thousands of children for four years. They all started out living in two parent households, but about half those marriages ended in divorce.
• Compared with kids whose parents remained married, the children of divorced parents exhibited more antisocial behavior, such as lying, cheating and bullying. They also were more likely to be diagnosed with depression.
• The problems these kids had started while they lived with both parents. In fact, their behavior improved after the split.

Strohschein says her research shows it’s living in a dysfunctional household – not divorce – that causes a lot of bad behavior. Psychologist Judith Primavera – who’s published research on children of divorce – agrees. She says that your marital problems don’t need to be of the Jerry Springer variety. In her work, she’s found that troubled couples who don’t fight verbally stress their kids out almost as much as hot-blooded parents. That’s because when people live in the same house but don’t interact like a couple, children have more trouble in school and more difficulty socializing. This might be the most important point: Since children learn how to have adult relationships from their parents, staying in an unhappy marriage for their sake increases your child’s chances of being in a similar situation one day.

Families can be tough. And now there’s statistical proof.
There’s a new book out called “The Pecking Order: Which Siblings Succeed and Why” by Dalton Conley, Director of Social Science Research at New York University. And in his studies, Conley found that a child’s place in the family is a strong predictor of how their life will turn out in the long run. He based his research on data from hundreds of thousands of families. So the next time you’re munching on a drumstick at Thanksgiving dinner, think about a few of these.

• Those with the worst chance for financial success are middle children and children with skin darker than their siblings.
• In large families, the struggle for attention from the parents creates identities that stick through adulthood. Kids from large families feel more pressure to stand out either by achieving more or by rebelling and causing trouble.
• And in families with 3 or more kids, there will often be a drastic difference in the kids’ financial outcome. One sibling tends to be a lot richer than the others.
• When it comes to divorce, it’s hardest on the eldest child. Especially if the eldest is a daughter, because she’ll often have to take on more housework, take care of younger siblings, and give emotional support to the single parent. That oldest daughter often gets trapped in that sacrifice role and ends up having a harder life than her younger siblings.
• In families with a stay-at-home mom, brothers are more likely to get college degrees than their sisters. When the mother works outside the home, those differences disappear.

But Conley wants everyone to know that these are statistics, not the rule. So any predicted outcome can be changed.